Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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