mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
