i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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