My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
