I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
