2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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