Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
