i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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