There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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