Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
