im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
