Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
