Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
