just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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