i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
