maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
