I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
