Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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