just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
