oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
