I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
