I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
