I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
