What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
