We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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