Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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