I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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