Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
