My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
