xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
