I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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