smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
