Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am naked and annoyed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
