Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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