I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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