I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
