he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
