I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
