he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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