Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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