The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You took a bar mat shot.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
