I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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