I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she told me i tasted like america
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
