hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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