I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
