I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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