I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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