Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
