Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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