rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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