I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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